Let me give you the six liquor breakdown by drunks. This is the highball version:

Vodka -

Most often drunk by people who don't really like the taste of liquor. In fact, they prefer their drink taste like anything BUT liquor. Ergo the purpose is to get very wasted. (exceptions are the vodka tonic and martini). They tend to dance a lot, get loud and fun when drunk, but will be the first in the bar to openly lose motor skills. They will probably be on the dancefloor a lot. Not a whole lot of trouble as drunks though. Except when they run into stuff (including other people).

Rum -

Most rum drunks just want to get laid. You can set a watch by how often their standards drop in proportion to the number of drinks they order. Girls love rum drinks. Rum drinks are most suited to fruity little beverages with festive colors and umbrellas. If you are not on an island then you are trying to drink yourself into believing you are. Almost all bad pickup lines were authored by rum drinkers.

Scotch -

The sophisticates (or would be). Scotches go in and out of vogue but there is no way around it - you have to really acquire the taste for a scotch. Scotch tastes like crap mixed with anything beyond soda. Men love scotch. They love scotch like they love cigars and sporting trivia. It's one of those things you have to know, like wine, but scotch is not as faggish as wine. The trendy scotch drinkers just like ordering pissy scotches and knowing the difference between single malts or peat bog variables. True scotch drinkers stay faithful to the same scotch for their entire lives. Mainly because it is the only way they can convince themselves they are interesting. They spend most of the night AT the bar trying to convince the bartender of the same thing.

Bourbon/Whiskeys -

People who don't drink bourbon either never learned how to OR they had the one horrifying experience where they got so sick on it they still can't stand the smell of it ten years later. Bourbon drinkers probably threw it up early too, but something twisted inside them said, "wait . I can do this . . gimme a minute .. gimme a shot." Scientiests haven't determined whether this is congenital or due to brain damage in childhood. Speaking of childhood, the bourbon drunk is either going to be meaner than a junkyard dog or as harmless as a five year old who is just a wee bit dizzy from too much spinning around. Bourbon drinkers are the most harmless of all drunks. This is because the mean ones get thrown out (or start drinking so early they never leave the trailer) and the regressing ones take direction very well.

Gin -

Gin drinkers are up to something. This includes the gin Martini drinker (and by the way, a true martini is made with GIN kids, not vodka). Gin and tonics are refreshing, not too sweet and generally respectable. But they will paste you to the floor pretty quickly. It's all a cover, that gin & tonic thing. Otherwise, gin is found lurking in saucy titled beverages like a "Velvet Crush", the kind of drink that just begs to be an accessory to a sordid tale. Gin drinkers should never be left alone as their entire purpose for drinking is to either become that story or to tell it to the bartender. Gin is liquid sarcasm.

Tequila a/k/a "To Kill Ya" -

The tequila drunk is either going to jump up and do a nekkid tabledance or beat the bejeezus out of someone. Bouncers HATE tequila drinkers. Except for the margarita set. For some reason the lime, sweet & sour and Triple Sec counteract the inherently psychotic nature of tequila. Tequila drunks throw up more than any other drunk. The bourbon set got that whole puking thing down early, the vodka & rum drinkers tend to dance or boink it out of their systems, and the gin and scotch drunks wouldn't give up their alcohol to a stomach pump. But watch out for the tequila people.

Okay folks . . we'll leave wine & beer out of it, but there you go.

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